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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26586829">fill the thickened lung with breath</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/starryvin/pseuds/starryvin'>starryvin</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Mass Effect (Comics), Mass Effect Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aftermath of Torture, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Hurt/Comfort, Mass Effect 2: Lair of the Shadow Broker, Minor Shepard/Liara T'Soni, Multi, Psychological Trauma</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 12:55:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,522</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26586829</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/starryvin/pseuds/starryvin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Feron is not in good shape after being rescued. Thane finds it hard to ignore. Shepard meddles.</p><p>Or; two drell being traumatized at each other for 10K+ words</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Feron/Thane Krios</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>fill the thickened lung with breath</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>"Love cannot fill the thickened lung with breath,<br/>Nor clean the blood, nor set the fractured bone;<br/>Yet many a man is making friends with death<br/>Even as I speak, for lack of love alone."<br/>- Edna St. Vincent Millay</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They leave Liara and Shepard alone in the Shadow Broker's wrecked office because they look like they need time alone. Feron is limping badly but Thane does not go to help him because he is still on his feet. He, himself, is sore and limping as well, head aching. It has been some time since he got banged around like that; Shepard is doing a good job pulling him into situations that could kill him.</p><p>"So, Krios, huh?"</p><p>It seems Feron wishes to talk. Thane turns back and sees Feron leaning against a wall, his chest rising and falling rapidly.</p><p>"Yes," Thane says and despite his own pain, he comes closer. After all, his aches are nothing next to what Feron has had to suffer. "Do you wish for me to help you?"</p><p>"Ugh," Feron grunts and pushes himself off the wall. "I'll be fine, I think. Thanks."</p><p>"As you wish," Thane says.</p><p>"But, you're <em>the</em> Krios, right?" Feron goes on. "The assassin." He takes a few steps forward and stumbles, so Thane hurries to his side to support him.</p><p>"Yes," he says and glances around. "Where to?"</p><p>"There's a rec room," Feron says. "Down the hall. What's the Compact like?"</p><p>"I wouldn't have anything to compare it to," Thane says. It is a little bit of a white lie, but usually enough to placate people. "It is very structured."</p><p>"I was supposed to serve the hanar too," Feron says. "My aunt disagreed. She kidnapped me, I guess. Technically. She raised me. I liked her a lot."</p><p>Thane says nothing, just fixes the position of Feron's arm around his shoulders and moves to support the man better. Feron takes in a deep breath.</p><p>"Never was much about pride in the drell," he says, not sounding much less breathless. "But, I dunno. It's nice meeting you. I'm used to being the only one."</p><p>Thane is thinking up a reply, and also weighing whether or not he should reply: it seems that Feron is just babbling because he is nervous, and might not even be looking for a conversation. But before he opens his mouth, Feron speaks again.</p><p>"'Wake up, Feron, you little shit!' I have to scream as pain shoots through again and this time is finally the time I am going to die from this--"</p><p>"Feron," Thane says loudly to interrupt the powerful, painful flashback. He helps Feron sit down against the wall and crouches in front of him, the palm of his had pressing against the oil-blue frills. "You are freed. You do not need to return there."</p><p>Feron curls up, hands pressing his head down into his knees, and Thane doesn't have a clue how to help. He lets go of Feron and sits back, watching him intently.</p><p>"Where are you?" he asks when he hears the other mumble something under his breath. When Feron doesn't answer he puts his hands on the man's broad shoulders. "Feron. Come back."</p><p>"I'm sorry, Liara," the man's voice rumbles. "I'm so sorry I made you hurt."</p><p>Thane is absolutely paralyzed. He knows that pain but he doesn't know how to ease it. He doesn't move his hands, putting more of his body weight onto Feron in hopes that physical contact soothes him.</p><p>"Your aunt," he tries. "What was she like?"</p><p>"Her pearly white teeth shine when she smiles," Feron mutters into his knees and his fingers flex into claws, then loosen. "The puddle is cool but the sun warms my skin. 'Get out of the mud, Feron.'"</p><p>Thane watches Feron lose himself in the memories with relief this time. His voice lowers until it is just a tiny whisper and his lips are moving feverishly, but he seems more content, more relaxed. Thane glances down the corridor. He saw the room they are heading to as they went past -- the door had been left open when its inhabitants had ran out.</p><p>He makes his decision.</p><p>"Feron," he says softly. "I am going to carry you."</p><p>Feron nods and resumes his mumbling.</p><p> </p><p>There are two large, mismatched sofas in the room. Thane sets Feron down on one and goes to sit on the other, but Feron's hand shoots out before he manages and tugs him closer.</p><p>"I know I'm being weird," Feron says and his eyes crack open. "Bear with me. Please. I haven't slept properly in two years, I don't think I can do this alone."</p><p>What he is asking is clear enough -- Thane sees what he is expected to do. However, he does not want to do it. He does not want to put himself in a vulnerable position, does not want to lay down next to someone he has known for all of ten minutes. Does not want to do something he might regret later.</p><p>Thane has little experience with trauma from torture, but he has dealt it out before -- vengeance for his siha, vengeance for his chance at happiness. He is less than ideal for this. He is not blind about his faults -- he knows that he is emotionally withdrawn to the point that there is no way he could be pulled out of it, and that if emotional support is required, he is an extremely poor choice. His only experience with Kolyat was just listening as his son poured his heart out, angry and hurt and frustrated. He doesn't know if Feron wants to talk or if he needs <em>Thane</em> to talk.</p><p>"Just wait until I fall asleep," Feron says. "Please, Krios. I wouldn't ask this if I didn't need it so bad."</p><p>Thane says nothing, but relents. He comes next to Feron and sits down on the floor next to the sofa. Their heads are next to each other and he starts humming a song, a calming purr coming from his throat. Feron sighs and his eyes close as he pulls himself into a tighter coil, curving around Thane's shoulders.</p><p> </p><p>Thane wakes up when his comm pings. His head has lolled back and he has slid down on the floor until he is resting his head on the sofa. He is practically sharing his air with Feron, they are so close. He watches the other for a while longer to ensure he is still asleep, then sits up.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>where the fuck are you</p>
</blockquote><p>It's Shepard, of course -- she has finished her reunion with Liara, then. He stands up despite his muscles protesting against the movement and stretches. His neck is aching.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Rec room. Tell Liara Feron is sleeping here. He shouldn't wake up alone.</p>
</blockquote><p>He walks out and sees Shepard at the other end of the corridor. The woman waves him over.</p><p>"I still have something to do," she says and nods towards the room where Feron had been kept a prisoner. "You think he'd like to see it from the outside?"</p><p>"Better not," Thane says.</p><p>"Whatever you say," Shepard says and kicks the door open. "It's soundproof, right?"</p><p>"I assume so," Thane says. "Why are you asking?"</p><p>Shepard doesn't reply. She digs out the grenade launcher.</p><p>"Watch for shrapnel," she says and launches three grenades at the contraption. It explodes into flames and Thane can appreciate the beauty in its destruction.</p><p> </p><p>He assumes that's it, that he's not going to hear from Feron again if not on an odd visit to the new Shadow Broker. He is fine with that -- there are many people better equipped to deal with trauma such as what Feron had suffered. He himself has never been held prisoner for longer than a day. Likewise, his only experience with torture comes from his training. He cannot imagine what two years of hell could feel like.</p><p>Then, he gets an email. From Feron. It is sitting in his inbox when he wakes up on a morning about a week after their first meeting.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Subject line: Can we meet?</p>
  <p>Hiya.</p>
  <p>Liara gave me this address. Not that I couldn't have dug it up myself if I needed it but apparently she wants me to talk to you again. "He's another drell, it'll be good for you, yadda yadda yadda…" I think she just wants an excuse to see your commander again. They're so happy it's obscene.</p>
  <p>So. Meet me on Omega? Or is Illium more convenient? Either's fine by me. The Citadel is ok too, but would rather not, it smells of denial and contempt. But I'd like to meet so if you like it, I'll put up with it.</p>
  <p>Just, you know. To make her happy.</p>
  <p>Not that I don't want to meet you again cause I do but, you know. I was just intending to dig that thought into a dune and leave it for the scavangers. She noticed and started meddling cause she's an asari and they're always right about everything cause they're blue. And superior to us in every way.</p>
  <p>I'm a little drunk, actually. I should probably edit this when I'm sober, but I think I'm just gonna hit send and then possibly blast myself out into that thunderstorm first thing in the morning.</p>
  <p>Feron (you know. The guy who fell asleep on you.)</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>Thane smiles at the tone of the message. It is awkward, yes, but also endearingly frank. Day-night cycles always get confused on starships and in space, but since it has only been a week and they have not landed anywhere else in that time, he is quite confident that Feron is still sleeping, or that at least he ought to be, and he finds himself forgoing his usual morning routine stretches for typing the reply.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Subject line: Re: Can we meet?</p>
  <p>Good morning.</p>
  <p>Not to worry. Honesty is not something either of us is used to, I suspect, and it is refreshing to see. Even when it is fuelled by alcohol.</p>
  <p>Omega would likely be more convenient; we do spend most of our time in Terminus space. Also, from what I understand, you have spent more time there. I am also familiar with it. Shall we set up a meeting in two weeks' time? We are heading to the cluster by that time and I am sure I can convince the Commander to make a small detour. I do believe she has business on Omega, too.</p>
  <p>I have to confess, I am not well-versed in any kind of personal relationships. I have been alone for quite a long time; you must promise to bear with me.</p>
  <p>Until then, be well and stay out of thunderstorms without proper protection.</p>
  <p>Thane Krios</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>He's not completely happy with that -- he feels like it's a little too formal and just might scare Feron away completely, but he doesn't know what to do to fix it so he sends it and leaves for the mess hall and for his breakfast.</p><p>Shepard is lounging there, a cup of coffee in hand, and is talking idly to a half-snoozing Tali. As Thane sits down, she lets the quarian fall back asleep on the table and turns to him with a grin.</p><p>"Did Feron message you?"</p><p>Thane sighs and pours himself coffee.</p><p>"Yes, he did," he says. "He wishes to meet. I told him we're heading to the Omega Nebula in two weeks, as you said, and that I could ask you to make a detour."</p><p>"Done," Shepard says and sips her coffee. "I knew you were going, anyway. Liara asked me for your email so I gave it to her. Sorry for not telling you, but I figured we'd let Feron decide what to do with it."</p><p>"I trust you implicitly," Thane says frankly. "I do not mind you giving out my contact information. I know you would not put me in danger."</p><p>"You can't just say those things this early in the morning," Shepard sighs and flicks some coffee at him as she gestures with her cup. "I trust nobody who is genuine half an hour after he's woken up."</p><p>Thane can't stop a grin from tugging his lips.</p><p> </p><p>Two weeks later he is stepping inside Afterlife, uncomfortable in civillian clothing and without his Viper, but Shepard had practically torn the rifle from his hands as he'd tried to strap it to his back and then had handed him clothes that weren't 50% ultralight titanium. The leather pants are too tight to allow for comfortable movement and he'd had to actually sneak out to be permitted to at least keep his coat.</p><p>In short, he is <em>uncomfortable as fuck</em>. And Feron is nowhere to be seen.</p><p>From experience, he knows that the worst thing one can do when nervous is let it show, so he walks up to the counter and orders a drink. Sits down to wait, dismissing the human barkeeper's attempt at small talk. They had decided to meet there, on the main level of the club, right about now, and Feron is still not there.</p><p>He doesn't let that show, doesn't let anyone think he is even waiting for someone. He sips his drink slowly and leisurely surveys the area for the best escape routes.</p><p>He has found ten different routes -- only three of which he can feasibly use in these stupidly tight, unyielding pants -- by the time Feron shows up. It has probably been ten minutes, or fifteen, but it feels like an eternity. He is more than used to waiting but always does it somewhere concealed and safe, in armor and with his Viper on his back, so he is trying very hard not to fidget.</p><p>"Feron, you dog!" the barkeep greets enthusiastically. "Ain't seen you in a long time. This guy your friend?"</p><p>"Yup," Feron says and leans against the bar. "Hi there."</p><p>"Hello," Thane greets, hoping his name will not come up. Thane is a common enough name among the drell, but the drell are not common outside Kahje. And he is sure that if his name is known somewhere, it is here.</p><p>"Of fucking course," the human says. "I figured there's no way there just happens to be another drell here just as I start hearing you're back on Omega." He leans over the bar and punches Feron in the shoulder.</p><p>Feron laughs and Thane watches him, now realizing that they're on his turf right now. He seems much more comfortable than on the Shadow Broker's ship, as is only expected. It is quite easy to fall quiet and watch him chat with the barkeeper a little more and then order a beer, dropping himself down on the high chair next to Thane.</p><p>"Ditching me for your date, are we?" the human asks and sounds comically jilted. "I see how it is."</p><p>Feron laughs again and waves him quiet, then turns to Thane.</p><p>"Sorry," he says. "Bradley can't shut his trap for his life."</p><p>"It is quite all right," Thane says and smiles. His sweet drink is halfway gone and he is glad about that: he feels like he might be much more awkward if he weren't a little buzzed. "How have you been?"</p><p>Feron shrugs and for a moment the smile slips from his face, an uncomfortable flash on his features. He sips his beer before answering.</p><p>"Still not sleeping without meds," he says. "Nightmares, memories, you know the deal."</p><p>He does. After Irikah's death his nights had been corrupted for the longest time, first by the memory of what was left of her on their kitchen floor, then by the moment he was told Kolyat had been hiding in the cupboard and had heard it all, then by the slaver ringleader, so close to his painful death, still taunting, <em>tormenting</em> him with details of how she had died, <em>her taste was worth whatever you're going to do to me and more.</em></p><p>He closes his eyes against it.</p><p>"I do."</p><p>Feron coughs. Takes a long drink.</p><p>"Never heard a drell say they had no memories they just want to forget," he says. "Sure, I haven't talked to many, but still."</p><p>Thane nods and when he opens his eyes he has to check his escape routes again. A krogan is standing in front of one. Feron is looking at him, a quizzical look on his face. Then it disappears and back comes the easy smile.</p><p>"Well, anyway. You might have to sing me to sleep again some time," he jokes. "Can't very well ask Liara for that, I'm pretty sure that would violate some bounds of friendship. Or something."</p><p>"She would not mind, surely," Thane says. "You are clearly very important to her."</p><p>"Dunno," Feron says and then takes another long drink. A very long one.</p><p>"No need to try to catch up," Thane says. "This is my first drink."</p><p>Feron laughs and pours the rest of his beer into his mouth.</p><p>"Sure, but you look like you never drink. At least I have only had a two-year pause. Don't worry, I'm not going to get hammered."</p><p>Thane smiles lopsidedly as he watches Feron get another drink. The same human barkeeper hands him one, then leans on the bar, head coming between them.</p><p>"So," he says. "You. You're pretty quiet."</p><p>Thane forces a smile.</p><p>"Yes," he says simply.</p><p>"Are you just trying to be a dick so I can ride in like a white knight?" Feron asks. The human laughs and pats him on the head, still looking at Thane.</p><p>"I'm just curious," he says. "We don't get many drell on the Omega. For the longest time I thought Feron was the only one."</p><p>"He is, as far as I am concerned," Thane says. "I do not live here."</p><p>"Will you just leave us alone?" Feron sighs and actually slaps a hand into the man's face and pushes him away. Thane can't help but chuckle at the gesture, friendly and yet annoyed. Bradley rolls his eyes and scoots away from Feron, towards Thane.</p><p>"He wants me to leave you alone," he says.</p><p>"I would prefer spending time with Feron," Thane says and smiles as politely as he can; he has been told his friendly, polite smile is very persuasive. "If you do not mind."</p><p>Before the human can answer, Feron grabs Thane's wrist and starts physically dragging him away. Bradley's laugh follows them until it is drowned out by the music.</p><p>Feron is chugging his beer and Thane feels slightly concerned: he knows well enough that many people deal with trauma by making sure they can't think about the memories. He doesn't say anything, just sips his own drink as he is pulled to a corner where ten other people are dancing. Feron ditches his empty glass and pulls Thane closer. He looks a little nauseous, actually. Thane gets a bit more distance between them and looks at the other deeply.</p><p>"Feron," he says. "What is wrong?"</p><p>"Dammit, just be quiet," Feron says. "Just... give me something else to think about. Last time I was here, I met Liara. And less than a week later..."</p><p>Thane nods and takes a sip from his drink. He is a distraction. It makes the situation easier, more defineable. He likes it when his role is clear as day -- he has long since learned not to examine the nuances of how it makes him feel. Feron pulls him a little bit closer again, almost as though he is asking for something, and Thane makes his decision. He chugs the rest of his drink and sets it down next to Feron's, stepping closer to the other.</p><p>"That's it," Feron says with a grin and his hands fall to Thane's waist. Thane allows it and allows himself to be pulled still closer.</p><p> </p><p>He doesn't have to <em>carry</em> Feron out but it is a near thing. By the time he decides that this is more than enough, the other is stumbling and slurring, unable to concentrate his gaze. Out of this world. Thane takes a back route: instead of parading Feron past the line and the permanently angry-looking batarian bouncer, he just drags him past a group of drooling vorcha and a few humans sleeping in a pile with two dogs. The dogs pick up their heads and glare at him as they walk past.</p><p>"Where is your apartment?" Thane prompts. Feron groans.</p><p>"Motel room. Few hunder meters, on the left."</p><p>Thane nods and they continue on.</p><p>He gets Feron into bed. There is not much he can do to stall the hangover but he does make the him drink some water, objectively more than he needs, and leaves painkillers and a bucket at the side of the bed.</p><p>Feron whimpers as he stands up and feebly reaches out for him. Grabs his sleeve.</p><p>And since Thane is not stupid, he knows exactly what he is expected to do. He bites his lip. Shrugs off his coat, folds it. Sits down on the bed.</p><p>"Might as well lay down," Feron murmurs. "I'm not gonna try shit. Just help me sleep and leave."</p><p>Thane sighs but doesn't lay down. He puts a hand on Feron's head and starts humming again, lets the purring sound enter his voice. Feron sighs and relaxes.</p><p>Thane stops when he is sure that Feron is asleep. He gets up and checks that the windows are locked and bolted, then walks out.</p><p>Omega shows no sign of which time of day it is. The crowds of people never thin out here like in other places and the construction makes it impossible to see the sky. It is always Friday night here, Shepard had said.</p><p>He types up a message to Shepard, then thinks for a second and types another for Liara. And then he heads for the docks.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Subject line: I blew it big time, no need to reply</p>
  <p>HELLO.</p>
  <p>I don't even know where to start. Shit, I'm not much of a success story anyways but I don't think I've ever fucked up as bad as last night. I dunno what tf I was even thinking.</p>
  <p>Thanks for the water. And the pills. And the bucket, oh, the bucket. And thank you especially for staying. I have a killer hangover and I deserve every bit of it. Please tell me I didn't vom on you?</p>
  <p>Liara sent a few people to pick me up. Couldn't come herself cause she's kinda conspicuous but told me off like my nan when I got to the ship. Really made me remember that oh yeah, she's like a hundred years older than me. Asari are weird as shit.</p>
  <p>Look. I'm making an ass of myself (again) but: I really did not mean to 1. drink that much 2. flirt with you 3. only talk about the last two years because apparently no other topics exist anymore 4. FUCKING PASS OUT ON YOU 5. <b>MAKE YOU CARRY ME TO THE MOTEL</b>. I think it's safe to say I didn't mean for any of that to happen, and I certainly didn't mean to freak out when that stupid hairy ape started harrassing you with reasonably non-invasive small talk but I kinda did and am still annoyed even though there's obviously no point in it.</p>
  <p>Bottom line. You're far too patient. I would have ditched myself, no question. Like, at the point when I started fucking dragging you to the dance floor I would have <span class="u">decked</span> myself and ran. But you just went along with it like a good fucking person. And I appreciate it, I really do, but you already gave me a second chance and I don't think I did a very good job at deserving it.</p>
  <p>If you're mad at me you can either not respond or write me an essay on it, I don't really care because I doubt there's nothing you can say that I haven't already said to myself. And once again:</p>
  <p>
    <b>YOU DO NOT NEED TO REPLY IF YOU DON'T WANT TO I UNDERSTAND THAT PERFECTLY BECAUSE I WOULD NOT REPLY I WOULD JUST PRESS THAT SWEET, SWEET 'BLOCK' BUTTON</b>
  </p>
  <p>I'm really, really sorry. By Arashu's grace, and I never EVER pray EVER (and especially not to HER because what the hell do I know about safety and love and family and shit), I hope you can forgive me.</p>
  <p>Feron (the guy who you know what I'm not even gonna list all the stupid things I did you can find that in like the fourth paragraph of this monstrosity I am really damn sorry ok)</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>Thane reads over the email a couple of times. He has no idea what to do about this. He is annoyed about Feron, yes, but he is also very aware that the man is clearly making a huge deal out of a relatively tiny set of mistakes tightly related to each other -- not to even mention the reasons for that need to drink himself into a stupour.</p><p>He doesn't want to go to Shepard. It feels like a breach of the trust Feron has placed in him. Talking to Liara was a necessity, but talking to Shepard? She doesn't really have any reason to know. She doesn't need to know. And she still knows Feron and speaks to him on occasion.</p><p>He considers Kasumi for a moment, then dismisses the thought. While he has no doubt that the woman can work with discretion -- after all, she is a very successful master thief -- he also knows that the story, if not properly phrased, might be simply too funny for her not to share it.</p><p>There is really only one feasible option. He stands and heads for the starboard observation deck.</p><p> </p><p>Samara, if she is amused, does not show it. She listens to him practically <em>bumble</em> about the situation with a cool, analytical mind and calms him with a few words and a warm touch on his shoulder.</p><p>"Slow down, my friend," she says and her lips quirk into a smile. "I did not think you capable of this kind of agitation."</p><p>Thane takes a deep breath and <em>considers</em>. Just closes his eyes and thinks for a second. He is being absolutely <em>stupid</em> in a way he has not been since... since Kolyat's first day of kindergarten, perhaps. And why? Because of Feron? He has seen torture before. He has seen utterly broken people before. There is nothing, <em>nothing</em> about Feron he has not seen before.</p><p>So why is he like this because of <em>him</em>? Is he that desperate for personal connection? Is it just that meeting another drell is so rare? One would think he would attach himself to every hanar he meets, then -- after all, he has always been with them much more than with other drell.</p><p>"I do not understand my own reaction to this," he finally clarifies. "I don't know why I care that he thinks I am going to hate him."</p><p>Samara smiles and rubs his shoulder.</p><p>"I know you're in many ways like me," she says. "And I think this is one of those ways. I have been by myself for so long that it is hard for me to understand the way I react to others, and how others react to me. You're the same. But you are younger than me, and therefore in a much better position to learn again. I have been reclusive for hundreds of years and my social skills are far below yours."</p><p>Thane opens his mouth and Samara hushes him.</p><p>"You know it's true," she says. "And I'm trying to tell you that I am not in the best position to explain--"</p><p>"You are," Thane says quickly. "You are experienced, intelligent, and analytical. If I do not understand my emotions, I prefer speaking of them objectively."</p><p>Samara's eyes shine.</p><p>"You're too sweet," she says and smiles. "Well. I have no eidetic memory, but I still remember courting the father of my children. I have always been slightly dense and she had to be quite blunt with her advances -- I do remember her feeling slighted and thinking herself pushy. Though the situation was not this delicate. Eventually even I had to see that she was trying to... woo me."</p><p>Thane blinks at her. She stares back for a long moment, then cringes. And odd expression on her usually stony face.</p><p>"Do I misunderstand?" she asks. "I thought you... and him, it's quite obvious..."</p><p>Thane puts his face in his hands.</p><p>"I have been a fool," he sighs. "I didn't even consider... I thought I was just... I thought I just wanted to help him, I didn't think..."</p><p>Samara actually laughs. She laughs and slides her hand down his arm. Pats the back of his hand and then pulls back.</p><p>"As I said," she says. "Neither of us is very intelligent when it comes to this."</p><p> </p><p>Thane knows he cannot delay his reply, lest Feron think he is actually not going to talk to him anymore and do something drastic. But he is still drafting it in his head in the evening when Shepard walks in without knocking, as she always does, and seats himself in the chair opposite of him.</p><p>"So," she says. "Feron. Liara told me."</p><p>Thane hopes he doesn't look too tired or worried as he looks up. He must show some of it, though, since Shepard frowns and leans closer.</p><p>"Need help?"</p><p>"Perhaps," he says. Shepard takes the chair and drags it to the same side of the table as him.</p><p>"You're writing up a reply?"</p><p>"Yes," Thane says with a sigh. "And I keep erasing and rewriting it in my head. I have no way with words when it comes to... this."</p><p>"Hard to believe, got to say," Shepard says. "Never seen you at a loss for words. Show me what you've written."</p><p>"The only thing I have managed to keep from all my messages is 'hello'," Thane admits and shakes his head. "I have not even written anything down. I am terrible at this. With Kolyat it is easier because I am the only one at fault. Here..."</p><p>"I know," Shepard says. "It's always kinda easier to apologize than to explain that you're not mad even though someone fucked up. Look, do you want to show me the message or just, like, summarize it?"</p><p>"He thanks me for my patience, tells me he doesn't deserve it, and apologizes for his behaviour," Thane says. "Inbetween explaining all the different reasons why he is a terrible person and dismissing the effects of two years of trauma."</p><p>"Yeah," Shepard says. "Damn classic. I mean, he obviously has issues." She pats him on the back. "Look, let's see what we've got. Write it up and I'll check it, yeah? Is that all right?"</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Subject line: Do not apologize</p>
  <p>Hello, Feron.</p>
  <p>I admit I am not the most well-versed person when it comes to social interaction and personal relationships, as I have told you before. But even I can see that your behaviour does not reflect your real personality. As you said yourself, meeting on Omega as opposed to Illium or Citadel was problematic due to the events you associate with the place. I understand your need for detaching yourself from the memories, and I cannot begrudge you for it. I myself have much more destructive coping mechanisms, as you surely know if you've read through the files the Shadow Broker undoubtedly has on me.</p>
  <p>I cannot claim to understand your trauma perfectly, as I have not experienced it. But I would be honored if you let me help you.</p>
  <p>We are heading to the Citadel in a month's time. Shall we set up a meeting there? I have no doubt that it might be easier for you to be somewhere that does not remind you so viscerally of your time as prisoner. If you do not wish to speak of it with me, you do not need to -- I would like to meet you again regardless. Perhaps in a cafe this time.</p>
  <p>You do not need to apologize to me for anything. I am patient with you because you deserve patience. I help you because you deserve help. From what I have heard from Liara, you are a good heart with a loyal soul. It would be a terrible shame if you were left stranded after giving up your freedom for Liara and Shepard's sake.</p>
  <p>You may not practice religion, but I do, and I shall pray to Arashu to keep you safe and give you power over your painful memories.</p>
  <p>Looking forward to our next meeting,</p>
  <p>Thane</p>
</blockquote><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Subject line: oh stfu</p>
  <p>Are you kidding? You have to be kidding. You made me cry, are you fucking proud of yourself?? Liara is still grinning, I can see it in her eyes even though she's hiding her mouth behind a coffee mug. Know what I think? You're all conspiring against me. You, her, Shepard. You're all in it together, trying to make me deal with my emotions.</p>
  <p>Ugh, I'm coming off like the worst ingrate in this universe. What I mean is… thank you. You have no idea what you are doing for me and apparently you're not even asking for anything in return which is new.</p>
  <p>Fuck yeah I'd like to meet you. I really don't want a repeat of last time, so a cafe would be perfect. I'm gonna spend the next month thinking up different topics I can bring up to, you know. Just talk about, not sob about. Actually get to know each other because I really would like to know you better, you're pretty damn fascinating. I mean, an assassin who's not an edgy misantrophist nor a shaggy scumbag? Blame it on living on Omega my whole life, but I've never met anyone like you.</p>
  <p>Not that I have anything against assassins, mind you. It's just that the few hit men on Omega are… less than desirable.</p>
  <p>I think I'm gonna ask Liara to escort me there, like maybe ask her to bring a breathalyzer just so I can't get drunk before we meet. I probably shouldn't be this brutally honest, but I think it's a little late for that anyway and I don't necessarily trust myself to make good decisions anyway.</p>
  <p>Thank you, again. You have no idea what this means to me.</p>
  <p>Feron</p>
</blockquote><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Subject line: re: oh stfu</p>
  <p>I can tell you many things about drell assassins, and I assure you, comparing us to your general Omega hit man is quite like comparing an asari commando unit to a pack of hungry vorcha. Still, if we're looking to find topics with little hardship attached, we should stay away from this particular one. I will not deny that your aunt gave you an easier life than I could ever have by stealing you away from the demands of the Compact.</p>
  <p>And, for the record, I enjoy your honesty.</p>
  <p>Thane</p>
</blockquote><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Subject line: oh yeah?</p>
  <p>Noted. I might bring it up, though.</p>
  <p>You like my honesty, huh? You might not be so enthusiastic about it if you could hear everything I think about you.</p>
  <p>Feron</p>
</blockquote><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Subject line: re: oh yeah?</p>
  <p>Try me.</p>
  <p>Thane</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>When they dock, Thane tries his very best to sneak out before Shepard catches him and makes him surrender his combat gear again. Citadel is not as dangerous as Omega or Illium, with fewer people who could recognize him, but the very idea of vulnerability is still uncomfortable to him. Just the thought that he might be caught somewhere, unarmored and unaware… No. He'd rather keep his gear.</p><p>He is a master assassin. Sneaking out in itself has never been a problem to him.</p><p>But he has never tried to sneak out on an AI. Out <em>of </em>an AI.</p><p>"Sere Krios," EDI says as he's managed as far as to the door of the airlock. "Commander Shepard has asked to see you before you depart. She tasked me to watch that you do not go out in your combat gear."</p><p>"Busted!" Joker calls from the cockpit and Thane has to pray for patience.</p><p>"Very well," he says and tries to open the airlock, just to check if EDI might be fooled by mock compliance. The door doesn't obey his commands -- not that he had really expected it would. He sighs. "I will go see the Commander."</p><p> </p><p>Half an hour later he is standing in the designated meeting place, a café in the Wards. Kolyat had mentioned it in one message and he had promised to visit it when the Normandy landed on the Citadel. He'd offered to meet up, but Kolyat had rebuffed him.</p><p>Feron is there already, a cup of coffee in front of him and Liara sitting at the table with him. As Thane briskly walks towards them, the leather of his pants uncomfortable against his skin, she looks up and at him with a smile.</p><p>"Ah, it's my cue," she says. "I promised to meet Shepard on the Presidium after she has spoken with Admiral Andersson. Since you are here, no doubt she has gotten off the ship as well. See you, Feron. Have fun."</p><p>She turns to Thane and smiles in a very, very knowing way as she glances at the black leather. Thane sighs, frustrated, as she passes him.</p><p>Feron stands up and pulls him into an utterly unexpected hug.</p><p>"It's good to see you," he says.</p><p>"I'm sorry I'm late," Thane says, tentatively squeezing Feron back and then stepping away from the hug. "The Commander found issue with me dressing in my combat gear."</p><p>"You'd think she was your mother," Feron laughs and punches his shoulder. "Well. I suppose a commander has to take care of her crew."</p><p>"Not this closely, surely," Thane sighs. "Sometimes I wonder if all humans are like this."</p><p>"Those Cerberus assholes don't seem to really give a crap," Feron says and sits down. "You gonna get a coffee?"</p><p>"I'll order tea," Thane says. He feels wrong-footed again because he is not used to this. Even with Irikah it was not a... common courtship. He has no concept of "common".</p><p>He leaves Feron sitting there for a while. Orders a pot of tea and then comes back to the table to see Feron watching him, head resting on his hand and expression unreadable. He feels a chill at the base of his spine, shooting down his legs. He sits down at the table and smiles at Feron to hide the fluttering of his soul.</p><p>Feron grins and sips his coffee.</p><p>"So. How's your mom? Still working for Cerberus?"</p><p>Thane chuckles and pours tea in his cup, then clasps his hands together on the table.</p><p>"She is quite well. Busy, driven. She is going to request a meeting with the Council again today." He shakes his head. "I think she will be at the shooting range right after that, attaching the picture of Councillor Sparatus on every target."</p><p>Feron laughs and reaches over to punch him in the shoulder again.</p><p>"She's such a joy to be around, huh?" he snickers and Thane smiles mildly, looking Feron in the eye for... almost too long, really. Feron's eyes are quite similar to his: dark, with round pupils, deep as the sea. He takes the tea cup between them, hands closing around it as he looks down.</p><p>"I hope you've been all right as well," he says. Feron huffs.</p><p>"Oh, yeah, sure," he says. "I mean. Still an insomniac. And at least twice a day I just remember being tortured. It's getting better though. I think." And then he groans. "Why did you ask me that? I said I'd come up with something else to talk about!"</p><p>Thane laughs and shakes his head.</p><p>"I care about how you are coping," he says and looks up at Feron to see him blink at him. He knows that this is one of those moments Shepard often complains about and Irikah used to sigh about (<em>you give me no warning, do you?</em>). He might be unsocialized, but he knows how to manipulate people -- it's not all that different to flirting.</p><p>"Well," Feron manages. "I think... Yeah. I think I like that. Like, if that's something to be liked."</p><p>Thane smiles kindly. He is no stranger to bravery, although his training tried to extinguish all kinds of emotion, but what he wants to do is too big and too far because he wants nothing more than to reach over the table and take Feron's hand in his. He wonders what it might feel like under his palm -- would it be warmer or cooler than his own skin? Irikah always had warm hands.</p><p>He turns the teacup slowly in his hands just to give them something else to do, lest he act on his silly impulse. Feron seems lost in thought for a moment, then he takes a sip of his coffee.</p><p>"So." He clears his throat. "How've you been, then?"</p><p> </p><p>They depart not long before the closing time of the café. It should be a natural time for them to go their separate ways, but they are deep into a conversation about the differences between Omega and the Citadel, and as Feron nods towards the transit station, asking if he'd like to go see the Presidium, Thane agrees easily.</p><p>The conversation dies down in the transit. They walk around the Presidium, not speaking much. Thane has always enjoyed companionable silence and though Feron seems to require more chatter to fill his needs, he does not appear bothered by the silence of his companion. Truth to be told, Thane is slightly tired, but not wishing to end their day quite yet.</p><p>When his eyes start to droop, Feron notices.</p><p>"Need sleep?" he asks. "We could meet again tomorrow. At least Liara's here for a few days still."</p><p>"I am not yet so tired that I can't enjoy your company," Thane says with a smile. "I will be all right."</p><p>Feron licks his lips. His inner eyelids nictate. Then he shrugs and looks away, off into the pool of water they are standing next to.</p><p>"I do have a hotel room," he says. "Liara told me quite clearly that I am not allowed to sleep in my ship before I get a bed in there. Point is, you could also rest there and we could still talk. Or, whatever we've been doing for the past hour."</p><p>The cool of the Presidium night suddenly feels a little... warmer. Thane feels his muscles tense, his shoulders ride up. His arms move over his belly as if to put more material between them. He is aware of all this, but cannot stop it. Feron must notice because his frills flare slightly and he puts his hands up, startled.</p><p>"I didn't mean-! I just figured you'd like to lay down, is all," he says, voice higher than usual. "I never even thought-- never mind, I just... I mean, the room has a sofa. It's more comfortable. I swear, that's it, I'm not some... I'm not trying to..."</p><p>Thane nods frantically, trying to tell him that yes, he understands, yes, Feron doesn't need to elaborate further. He feels wrong-footed again. He has not paid attention to it before but he is insanely nervous, his mind reminding him of all the ways he has screwed up anything like this before and of course, of his biggest success and especially <em>biggest screw-up</em>.</p><p>"I appreciate your offer," Thane says finally. He smiles to Feron and relaxes himself. "As I said, I am severely unused to social interaction. I'd like to ask for your patience."</p><p>"You have it," Feron says fast. "All of it. It's not that much, but it's got me through."</p><p>Thane chuckles and shakes his head, gaze falling from Feron's nervously grinning face.</p><p>"I would like to lay down, yes," he says then. "I am quite tired. I'm just afraid I might fall asleep on your sofa."</p><p>"Well, you could consider that payback," Feron says. "For the two times I've fallen asleep on you."</p><p>Thane wants to argue, to squish the idea that Feron has something to apologize for, but he clearly can't do it with words alone so he doesn't say anything. He is familiar with deep-set ideas, after all, many of which even Irikah was never able to stop him believing.</p><p>"I'm glad it would not bother you," he says and steps a little closer.</p><p> </p><p>Feron's room is small. One window, minimal space to move around, tiny bathroom. The bed is the only large thing in it, really -- the sofa is not tall enough for Thane to comfortably lay on.</p><p>It doesn't matter, because it does not appear he will be using the sofa.</p><p>Feron's hands <em>are</em> warm in comparison to his. All of him is, as he presses Thane against the closed door and kisses him. Thane cannot quite keep up -- he truly is tired, comfortable and warm after the chill of the Presidium. Either Feron has bumped up the thermometer or, in preparation for a drell patron, the hotel has: the room is hot and cozy, and Thane feels energy drain out of him. He has not slept well for weeks, it feels like. The LSS is dry, yes, but it is also cool. He is not picky regarding the place where he lays down his head, but now he remembers again the sheer <em>safety</em> associated with arid-and-hot.</p><p>"Sorry," Feron says as they break apart, Thane breathing hard with his eyes shut. "I know you're tired but I just... I had to kiss you." His voice is low, raspy. Thane opens his eyes and leans forward, kisses him again.</p><p>They need not walk more than a few steps before the bed is under them. Thane winds up on top, on his knees straddling the other's hips, and some part of him is saying that this is truly not a great idea but he cannot listen to that. All of it has lead up to this, hasn't it? Thane may be unaccustomed but he is not <em>oblivious</em> to flirting, and what else have they been doing in their emails?</p><p>Feron mumbles something Thane doesn't catch and the kiss turns harder, teeth introduced into it. Thane still doesn't feel sure and confident but he is excellent at faking it -- and with Feron taking the lead so eagerly, he doesn't need to fake much at all. He can just enjoy it.</p><p>His training and his genetics have both left Thane lithe and thin, even for a species well-known for its agility and sleek physiology. Feron is wider than him -- not stronger by any stretch, but looking like he is -- and if sitting on top of him is good, then being beneath him must be even better. With that in mind, he goes to switch their places, to feel safe and comfortable in the hot air under a warm body, back against the soft bed. He might sink into it like into quicksand.</p><p>It is clear that this cannot progress further. Thane is too loose, too relaxed, too content. Feron must see it too, because after a while he pulls away and just breathes over him for a while.</p><p>"Stay the night?" he asks. "I think you infected me with that sleepiness."</p><p>Thane laughs and nods, hand rubbing Feron's back. Feron sighs contently and lowers himself down.</p><p>"It is customary to not sleep in all of your clothes," Thane says and tugs at the coat Feron still has on. Feron makes a displeased mumble and rolls off of him to sit up. He has a small bag in the corner of the room.</p><p>"I did not prepare for sleeping elsewhere," Thane says.</p><p>"I can give you a shirt or something," Feron says. "If you'd like."</p><p>"Thank you," Thane says and is tossed a loose, long-sleeved shirt. It is big at the shoulders and the hips, but he does not complain as he pulls off his tight pants and his coat. Feron is avoiding looking at him as he changes out of his day clothes and it is, simply put, just really cute. He laughs as he changes his shirt for the one he was given, delighting in the rough white cotton against his skin.</p><p>"What are you laughing at?" Feron asks with a pout and Thane shakes his head, a grin playing on his lips.</p><p>"You are bashful," he says. "It's cute."</p><p>"Ugh," Feron grunts out and flops back on the bed, dragging him down as he pulls the covers over them. "Go to sleep."</p><p> </p><p>He wakes a few hours later. He is squished beneath Feron, who is sleeping tight but grunting and frowning, occasionally whining in a voice too high for just anyone to hear. Those high notes seem to tug at Thane's soul. He remembers all the times he has heard something like that. Just seven years old, sleeping with a six-year-old in the initiates' quarters, listening to her cry and scream for her parents to come get her. Eighteen, killing a drell assassin who'd betrayed the hanar, shared their secrets. The assassin had recognized him and soon had been pleading with him, asking him to spare him, and the voice had been cut off when Thane had shot him through the throat. Twenty-six, after a fight with Irikah, when she'd stopped screaming and started crying. Thirty-one, Kolyat's nightmares, <em>don't ever leave me, dad</em>. Then...</p><p>"<em>They let her body slide into the water. He hits me. 'Don't let them! Stop them! Why weren't you--</em>"</p><p>"Whoa!" Feron cries and Thane pulls himself into a tight curl, arms crossed to stop himself from repeating the action he remembers, tears in his eyes.</p><p>"It always rains on Kahje," he says. Feron has pulled far away, as far away as the size of the bed will let him and Thane cannot bring himself to mind because anyone would do the same. It takes some time to pull himself back from Kahje, from the funeral service for his wife. He clasps his hands together and starts to pray to Arashu.</p><p>Midway through, he feels a hand on his arm. He doesn't move an inch but Feron doesn't give up: he shuffles closer and his other hand squirms between Thane's waist and the bed.</p><p>"It's all right," Feron says. "Hey. I get it."</p><p>No. He doesn't. Thane tries to relax. Feron has probably never known peace. Not even before the Shadow Broker. Thane has spent so much of his life trying and trying and trying to feel at peace with himself, with his fate, with his failures, with his guilt. And all of that can be taken away just like that, with a few too strong memories.</p><p>He is tightly pressed against Feron now, the other whispering into his ear, and he feels ill. He cannot make out the words. He started having nightmares some time after he'd left the Compact. Irikah had had no clue what to do. Feron has no clue what to do. <em>Thane </em>has no clue what to do.</p><p>"No," he eventually says. "Let me... I need to go."</p><p>Feron doesn't move.</p><p>"Go where?" he asks.</p><p>"Go," Thane says. "Out. I need to get out."</p><p>He wrests himself free effortlessly, even though he vaguely senses Feron trying to stop him. He tosses off the shirt and pulls on his own. He grabs his OmniTool and puts it in place. Feron is still scrambling out of bed by the time he is halfway out of the door.</p><p>"Wait!"</p><p>Thane stops, despite himself, and turns back. He sees Feron much more clearly than before. Younger than him, by perhaps ten years. Scarred, in and out, but still mourning. Still trying to get better. There is panic on his face.</p><p>"I'm not..." His breath catches in his throat, reminding him how little time he has left on this side of the sea. He coughs. "It's not about you. You did nothing wrong."</p><p>"Why are you leaving, then?" Feron asks and sounds scared. "I could help you. You sound like you need it."</p><p>In his instructors' voices, Thane hears: <em>you know how this is going to end. Never make the same mistake twice.</em></p><p>"We all must walk the paths we are given," he echoes a voice from his past. "Not all are destined for happiness."</p><p>"That sounds like hanar bullshit," Feron says and Thane turns away, closing the door on his astonished expression.</p><p> </p><p>The Presidium is cool. It is sobering. The light of the stars above plays on the waters of the lake and Thane shuts his eyes, drawing in a deep breath through the rattling. It makes him cough a little but he does it again and again, ever until he can breathe well again.</p><p>
  <em>"I'm sorry. But that sounds like hanar bullshit," she says and the sardonic smile shatters her apology. Candles flicker as someone goes past. I lose myself in her eyes.</em>
</p><p>It is a queer impulse for a drell. But Thane, right now, wants to launch himself into the water. More than ever, he wants to channel the bottomless serenity of the hanar, even if it means submerging himself.</p><p>He does the next-best thing: he holds his breath.</p><p>He starts coughing again before long, but even that is better than <em>dwelling</em>. He coughs and pants but when it stops he is <em>calm</em> again and that is the single goal. Calmness. Serenity. Staying indifferent even when facing both Kalahira and Arashu, testing him with all the worst things they have.</p><p>
  <em>and I never EVER pray EVER (and especially not to HER</em>
</p><p>Thane wishes he could go back in time. Become a nameless, faceless, lifeless weapon again. Go to sleep and let the hanar direct him as they please. Wash away Arashu's searing touch from his soul.</p><p>He has to move. Feron will come after him, Feron is the type to go after people when they run. He has to get away, back where it's safer for him to be. Within the confines of the LSS, living as a weapon contracted for a commander of a ship headed for a suicide mission, keeping his distance like he should have done the first time he felt like getting closer.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>When he boards the Normandy, Shepard is waiting. Thane feels like a child, being reported on like this. No doubt Feron had asked Liara, and Liara had told his Commander.</p><p>"Want to talk about it?" she asks, her forehead crinkling in what Thane has learned is worry.</p><p>Honestly? He doesn't know. He knows he maybe ought to, but he also knows that he has tried to think it through in his head so many times that it must be impossible for him to actually manage to find new perspectives, or at least stick to them. This has been a part of him for so very long that he doesn't know how to banish it.</p><p>"I would not mind company," he finally says. "You are kind to offer it."</p><p>"Anytime, Thane," Shepard says and steps closer. "You look cold. Want some tea?"</p><p>"Yes, please," Thane says.</p><p>Shepard nods towards the elevator, which they take to the empty mess hall. Everyone is either sleeping or out -- Miranda's door is locked, at least, and they meet no one on their way. Shepard sits him down and ducks behind Gardner's minimalistic kitchen, producing a white teapot and two mugs.</p><p>"Green sencha," Shepard says. "That okay?"</p><p>"Yes," Thane says even though he has no idea what he is being offered. Shepard is what he is here for, not the tea. Shepard and her calming presence.</p><p>The tea has a strong scent. Somewhat like grass. Shepard brings the cups to the table, then the pot. Thane feels like he should assist but he knows from experience that it is a custom of humans (or, at least this human) to serve what they have suggested to be consumed, even when peers are concerned. He simply lets Shepard pour him tea.</p><p>"So," Shepard says as she sits down. "What exactly happened?"</p><p>Thane stares into his cup. It doesn't give him any answers.</p><p>"I can't get close to him," he finally says.</p><p>"Why?"</p><p>Thane is prepared for the question, but he still isn't sure if he knows how to answer her. Truth is, he hasn't even been able to explain this to himself. He stares into the mug. Into the light-yellow drink. He closes his eyes.</p><p>"He deserves someone happier," he eventually says. "This will only lead into heartbreak for him. I have at most a few years left."</p><p>Shepard is quiet for a while. When she speaks, she sounds a little different. Her voice is thicker. Lower. <em>Shakier</em>.</p><p>"You know that I was dead for two years, right?"</p><p>Thane nods. Shepard sucks in an audible breath.</p><p>"Not my first brush with death. After I defeated Saren, Sovereign's claw almost killed me, and Garrus, and Liara. I managed to get them out of the way, but the claw came within inches from crushing me. It knocked me out for a few minutes. For those few minutes, Garrus and Liara both thought I was dead."</p><p>"But you weren't," Thane says. Shepard fixes him with a <em>look</em>.</p><p>"A few months later I was. For two years. And Liara mourned me. Again." She sucks in another breath. "And you know what? I'll probably soon die for the third time. And if I don't die beyond the relay, it'll be at most a hundred years before I'm gone for good. And no Australian cow or chainsmoking terrorist boss will be able to get me back. But I'll be happy we had this. She'll be happy we had this."</p><p>"It's..." Thane shakes his head and looks away. "It's different. Asari are different. Drell aren't made to forget."</p><p>"Neither are asari, trust me," Shepard says. "I know you had a terrible time with the loss of Irikah. I know what it's like to lose people. But would you really prefer never having met her? Never getting married? Never having a family?"</p><p>"It's <em>different</em>," Thane says.</p><p>"Something is always different," Shepard says.</p><p>"You're pitting two years at most against a decade," Thane says, louder. He has lost all appetite. He doesn't want to drink any of the tea in front of him. It feels like he has swallowed a huge ball of lead and it's now weighing him down. "It's <em>different.</em> I won't trade Feron's suffering for a few months of happiness."</p><p>"You could just as easily apply that logic to meeting Kolyat again," Shepard says -- snaps.</p><p>Thane, at least. Thane snaps.</p><p>"That is <em>different!</em>" he yells and stands up. Knocks the mug over. Tea spills everywhere. "I am trying to fix what I broke, not break more!"</p><p>He turns and storms out, only glimpsing Shepard's surprised expression before it disappears behind a wall.</p><p> </p><p>Samara is not on the observation deck. She must be sleeping. Thane thanks Arashu and sits down on the floor, willing his racing mind into blessed stillness.</p><p>He shouldn't have lost his temper. He rarely does. Not like this, at least. He has raised his voice at Shepard before, but he has never <em>yelled</em>. It has been years since <em>anyone</em> has made him this angry.</p><p>But Kolyat is a truly unique sore spot for him. The worst thing is that he knows in his heart that what Shepard said is true. Injecting his presence into Kolyat's life again only to leave again in such a short time is a decision he has battled with ever since he found out he'd started turning towards a life like his. He never would have: he would have stayed away if he'd not been so very <em>worried</em>, so <em>guilty</em> -- and so eager to see him again, to hear him speak, to see the person his son had grown up into.</p><p>The door slides open. Thane hides his face in his hands. He is crying now. Brilliant.</p><p>"I'm sorry," Shepard says. "That was... I shouldn't have gone there."</p><p>Thane doesn't respond. He doesn't want to show his moment of weakness to the one person he has learned to respect like <em>this </em>again. Not only as a superior, as a contractor, but as a friend.</p><p>"I know that wasn't a fair comparison," Shepard says. "I know you have bad experiences when it comes to personal relationships. You were dealt a truly shitty hand right from the start. But you can't let that stop you from being happy. We're all gonna die one day, that doesn't mean we can't be happy while we're here."</p><p>"That's..." Thane tries to stop the trembling of his voice. "I was always taught not to strive for happiness. I was warned so many times by my instructors, and they were all right."</p><p>"Your handlers, you mean?"</p><p>Thane gives her an angry look. She is standing with her arms crossed across his chest and looking down at him, daring him to argue.</p><p>"They were wrong," she goes on. "My childhood also tried really hard to teach me I'm not worth anything and here I am anyway. Not everything you are told is true."</p><p>Staring out into the dark space really is calming. Thane calms his breathing the best he can. Doesn't answer.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Subject line: How are you?</p>
  <p>I think I'm gonna start to need a template for my apologies. So...</p>
  <p>I'm sorry for: <span class="u">insulting the hanar and possibly going too fast for you.</span><br/>
I understand that: <span class="u">you respect the hanar very much and are much more reserved than I am.</span><br/>
In the future, I will: <span class="u">watch my behaviour and respect your boundaries better.</span></p>
  <p>That said, I'm not exactly sure why you left and if it actually had something to do with me. Liara tells me it's probably not about me this time. I don't know what to believe, to be honest. It did seem a bit like it had to do with... uh. With your personal stuff.</p>
  <p>Heh. Maybe I'm just glad it wasn't me causing drama this time. :P jk jk please don't feel bad</p>
  <p>Feron</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>"Just staring at the screen isn't an effective way to generate a reply to a message."</p><p>Thane jolts out of his brooding and glances up at the intercom. Sure enough, that was EDI, who else? The presence of an AI has never worried him -- on the list of things that could kill him, the ship he is travelling on was not his biggest worry. After all, even an AI cannot operate a warship this big on its own. EDI needs them and they need EDI -- that kind of a mutualisic relationship is the closest thing to trust he usually gets.</p><p>But it is starting to seem like EDI might be turning into a second Joker.</p><p>"I know, EDI," Thane says. And he apparently sounds more desolate than intended, because EDI is quiet for a second.</p><p>"I could call Ms Chambers for you." A pause. "Or Commander Shepard, if you prefer. She is ashore, but I can call her back."</p><p>"No need," Thane says. He doesn't want to ruin Shepard's day with his own problems. No doubt she is with Liara -- he hopes they aren't spending any time sorting out this drama. He hopes they are having fun. Being happy. In his arbitrary judgement of <em>worth</em>, he has apparently deemed that <em>they</em> deserve happiness.</p><p>He presses his head into his hands again. He hates it, but what Shepard said last night has stuck in his mind. He knows very little about her life before she became more or less a public figure, but of course rumours circulate. She has no family, he knows that. She is from Earth's streets. Much like the duct rats on the Citadel, the <em>drala'fa</em>, a child ignored and chased away and exploited. Thane has seen too many children like that in her time. Even before the compact, on the streets of Kahje. He'd always set himself apart from them, confused and sad, <em>a green-and-blue child at the corner, asking for food, the hand around my wrist tightens its hold,</em> <em>Mom, where's her parents?</em></p><p>Shepard had risen out of that. She'd clawed her way up. She'd had nobody telling her she could do it and a world around her telling her she couldn't, but she had.</p><p>Thane rubs his forehead. <em>Not everything you are told is true</em>.</p><p>But <em>that</em> had been. <em>Not all are destined for happiness.</em> It is one of the memories he most associates with Irikah's fate. Falydan, one of his instructors, had tried to get him to change his mind about leaving the Compact. It'd told him he would not be able to live in a world outside of the life he'd been chosen for. It'd warned him about the pursuit of happiness.</p><p>Falydan had always been the closest to him out of all of his instructors. It'd been the only hanar to entrust him with a soul name.</p><p>He's often hoped he could forget that name. He'd betrayed that trust by dismissing Falydan's advice. And how had that ended? In the death of an innocent. In Kolyat's predicament. In the eternal grief Irikah's family had to endure.</p><p>It's completely <em>hopeless</em>. All of this is. He is never going to manage to write up a reply to Feron.</p><p>He puts away the screen from his OmniTool and sets his arms down onto the table, then lays his head on his arms. He is just suddenly very tired.</p><p> </p><p>He stirs to someone touching his shoulder. It doesn't fully get him awake, but when the chair is slowly pulled away from the table and someone supports him to keep him from toppling forward, he suddenly jerks into awareness and lunges at the intruder. <em>Danger</em>, his mind and his training are telling him.</p><p>"Hey!" a somewhat familiar voice calls but he has only one thing on his mind: survive this, too. He slams his attacker into the floor and drives the breath out of them from the sound of it -- he rolls them over, gets them into a neck lock and checks for weapons but finds none.</p><p>The man beneath him is quiet, panting a little, but relaxed. It doesn't seem like he is trying to run. A drell, in the light from the drive core he can barely make that out, and...</p><p>He jerks back as he realizes who he'd attacked, releasing him in a flash and scrambling up inelegantly.</p><p>"I'm sorry!" he gasps and watches Feron roll onto his back and crane his neck, sit up and rub his back. He hurries to hold out a hand to help him up. Feron takes it and pulls himself up. Thane takes several steps back, gives Feron space. "I'm sorry."</p><p>"You got me good," Feron says and chuckles. And then, he just doesn't stop -- his chuckling turns into giggling into full-blown, hysterical laughter.</p><p>Thane watches in anxiety as the other drell doubles over and <em>chortles</em>, sounding more out of breath than when his back hit the floor earlier. He, for the life of him, can't figure out what is so funny about the situation. If anything, it feels like a confirmation that he cannot have anything normal. If he reacts like this to someone trying to wake him up gently...</p><p>"<em>It's me! A palm on my face, on my chest. In the darkness it's hard to see. It's me, she cries, and my heart stops but my hands don't leave her throat.</em>"</p><p>He snaps back into reality. Feron has stopped laughing, now he is <em>watching</em>. Thane takes more steps back. Hits the table hard.</p><p>"<em>The coin between my fingers weighs more than it looks. Falydan was right. The waves crash. Falydan was right. The waves swallow the coin. I turn and leave hope to drown.</em>"</p><p>He's on the floor now, sitting with his head in his hands. He's fighting all of the <em>damn</em> recalls, his stupid mind pointing out how easily Feron might replace Irikah in most of the memories, the blood on their kitchen floor--</p><p>"Hey, hey, hey," Feron says and his hands press on Thane's shoulders. "Hey. Let's breathe, okay?</p><p>Thane almost laughs at that. It's so ineffectual, it's so small, and it's so <em>naïvely sweet</em>, and he can't even comply with that small request because he is dry drowning. His lungs rattle in his chest when he draws air in and lets it out. He shudders and grasps Feron's wrists. With every breath, the haze in his head clears a little bit and he can relax more. Only now it feels like he might be truly awake.</p><p>"I'm sorry," he says again. Feron pulls him closer and eventually they're sitting there on the floor, entwined in each others' arms. Thane tries to close his conscious mind and focus on this moment. On Feron's warmth around him. On the hum of the drive core.</p><p>But the memories won't leave. He recalls the screaming of the batarian he'd dangled from a building before crushing his windpipe. The turian who'd cried for his children as he'd fallen to his death. The animal, the monster, and his final words -- <em>her taste was worth whatever you are going to do to me and more.</em></p><p>Against his instincts, he squeezes Feron tighter. Feron's hand is on the back of his head, holding him almost like a child. He feels nauseous. He <em>smells</em> Irikah's blood on their kitchen floor. He'd never again entered that room. Two weeks later he'd never again entered that house. His first and last home.</p><p>"Should I sing you to sleep?" Feron asks. "You probably don't want me to, I'm not a very good singer."</p><p>Thane melts against him. The nausea isn't going away anytime soon, but he feels surprisingly alright.</p><p>"What are you doing here?" he asks softly. Feron snorts.</p><p>"Liara." Thane stays quiet and Feron clears his throat. "She didn't think to warn me not to startle you. Probably figured I'd realize it on my own."</p><p>"I'm sorry," Thane says yet again. Feron laughs.</p><p>"Hey, there's worse ways to go than having your neck snapped by a hot, untouchable master assassin."</p><p>Thane thumps his fist against Feron's back and Feron huffs out another snort of laughter.</p><p>"It's true," he says. "It's just <em>true</em>."</p><p>"I'm still sorry," Thane says. "I should not have attacked you."</p><p>"I should not have tried to play romcom hero by getting you to bed," Feron says. "Shit happens, especially when you're not exactly dealing with <em>balanced</em> life stories."</p><p>Thane hums noncommittally. It is true, yes, but he still feels bad.</p><p>They fall silent for a moment, but Feron doesn't let him stay quiet for long. Soon he clears his throat again and pulls away a bit.</p><p>"There was a reason I came here," he says. "You maybe can guess what it was."</p><p>Thane can guess. He doesn't want to talk about it, but he's lived quite long enough to know that some conversations simply cannot be delayed. He nods and pulls away completely, standing up and offering Feron a hand.</p><p>"We might as well take a seat on proper chairs," he says. Feron snorts and lets himself be pulled up, but doesn't allow Thane to sit down. Instead, he turns them to the wall and pins him against the weapon cases.</p><p>"Or, we could skip the teacher-parent conference and assume that we've dealt with enough today," he says. "I know I'm still a bit <em>bothered</em> from the scene before."</p><p>Thane huffs and shakes his head, but doesn't try to get out of the light grip Feron has on him.</p><p>"We should talk about this," he says.</p><p>"But I know what you're going to say," Feron says and actually sounds a little exasperated. "The hanar priests this and that, fatalistic self-deprication, your history with... well, just your history." He leans close -- over Thane's shoulder so his head is resting against the wall. Thane goes still and Feron sighs. "I read your file," he says. "I'm so sorry. About... everything that's happened to you."</p><p>What do you say to that? Thane tries to breathe as quietly as he can. Feron runs his hands down Thane's arms and grabs his hands.</p><p>"I don't want to intrude, I really don't, but..." Feron draws in a shaky breath. "Well, sometimes it's nicer when someone already knows this shit. So you don't have to explain it."</p><p>It's true. Somewhat. That's why he volunteers the information so fairly easily. (That, and if he pretends none of it is a big deal, it maybe will eventually also feel like a non-big deal.) And maybe, if Feron knows, he won't have to tell. But then, also...</p><p>"You don't know the shades of it," he says. "The hues. You read the words, but you didn't hear me tell it. You can't understand it just from reading a dossier. You know I had a wife and a son, but you don't know how it felt to come home to both of them asleep, knowing you have to be gone again before they wake up. How it felt, closing the door on your home, already understanding you will never step foot inside again without remembering how your son screamed for his dead mother. <em>Those</em> are the things I would explain."</p><p>Feron is stiff against him, alarmed, scared, sure that he has <em>fucked up</em>. That Thane is going to drive him away for this. Thane sighs and squeezes Feron's hands.</p><p>"But I don't know how it felt like going to sleep, knowing tomorrow would not bring anything but the same imprisonment, the torture. How hard it must have been to wake up and realize the horror is over but will never be truly gone." He leans his head against Feron's. "So maybe we should <em>talk</em> about it."</p><p>Feron is silent and still. Thane embraces him gently.</p><p>Eventually he hears the man snivel and curse under his breath. He pulls him closer and Feron answers by taking him into a vice grip of a hug, face buried in his shoulder and whole body trembling.</p><p> </p><p>He leaves Feron on his cot to make them tea. It's a habit directly inherited from Shepard -- oh, how the woman can change people -- because he likes the warmth of the cup against his palms when he speaks of difficult things.</p><p>"Haven't you got, like, some fancy hanar wine or something?" Feron asks when he comes back, but takes the offered cup with what seems like sincere gratitude. Thane sits down next to him and crosses his legs into a lotus. Feron is more relaxed -- he is lounging against the wall. But his expression betrays him. He is staring off into the distance, clearly thinking. <em>Brooding</em>.</p><p>Thane takes a moment to gather himself and start a conversation. But before he can, Feron clears his throat.</p><p>"This was your idea," he says. "You start. What <em>did</em> it feel like to be given over to the hanar?"</p><p> </p><p>Feron falls asleep before Thane even feels tired. It makes sense, he supposes: he did take a nap earlier. He rearranges Feron with little difficulty and tucks him in, clears out the teacups and then sits down on the floor. The ever-present blue light from the drive core soothes his mind as he closes his eyes and leans his head against the mattress, forehead almost touching Feron's.</p><p>It would take more time than he has to be truly <em>over</em> all of this. But he has learned long ago that since he can't forget, he just needs to learn to cope.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I don't know what my deal with rarepairs is, to be honest. but here u go anyway, it's late and i just want to publish this</p></blockquote></div></div>
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